Currently Lost in Space By Aimee Mann see related

 I went to the Tree House Adoption Agency yesterday to look into getting a cat. The application was a bit more intense than I had thought, but in retrospect very understandable.  I am actually glad they didn't directly ask me why I wanted to get a cat, because honestly in my current mental adjusting state I probably would have blurted out something like "because that's what people have told me to do so I don't jump off a bridge or start eating peanut butter right out of the jar or I want a substitue for a child".  Of course, part of my reluctance to get a pet of any kind is 1) I don't think my apartment is big enough (q.v. my uncomfortable relationship with zoos) and 2) I'm not sure how much time I would actually have to spend with said pet.  I've narrowed it down to two cats Newport and Appleby.  While I was hanging out with these cats (and another prospective cat named Juanita who got cut from the running because she just wouldn't come out of her little carrier she was hanging out in) two sister kitties came running out and wanted to play.  So. Fucking. Cute.  I almost said fuck it and went for the two kitties.  That would have probably been a mistake...but they were really cute.  Like really really cute.  In any event, I think I'm going back next week to decide (and plus they have to get in contact with landlord to verify I can have cats.

I bought a new iPod (Classic) yesterday, too.  I finally decided I just wanted to have all my music on my iPod again.  In the years since I bought my first iPod apparently there has been some revamping.  The only size choice they have now is 160GB.  Maybe I'll start doing something with movies and TV shows..but I doubt it.  This should hopefully last for quite a while.

Today I'm thinking about going to the Chicago Botanic Garden, but first the gym again.

I feel a little guilty for turning down MJH to have couch time with myself and TV/PS2.  He invited me to do some pumpkin carving stuff today with a few of his friends.  I really just don't want to be around anyone (unless it's sort of anonymously in a crowd...which is pretty much the same as being alone anyway).  I don't know if I'm just trying to burrow in and just sort of make it to 30 days and see what's still around then or what.  I like MJH quite a bit, but he's not necessarily bad news...but I've been able to be pretty destructive around him. 

Maybe I'll try to give it a full week before I start worrying about isolating myself. 

Hey, at least the sun is out today, right?

Currently 9 By Damien Rice Grey Room see related

Day 5/Saturday

I made it through my first Friday.  I actually was in bed and asleep by 11...which hasn't happened in months as far as I can recall.  I did start getting a bit down as Friday evening  progressed.  I also realized I'm a creature of habit as I found myself on the sofa playing Final Fantasy XII on PS2.  Potentialboyfriend messaged me around 10 to come meet him and some others up at Big Chicks...that caused some mixed emotions, but I told him that I needed sleep (which is entirely true, by the way).  I really haven't slept as much as I should have in the last two months.

I may get a cat today, for real...I've been talking about it for a few weeks but wasn't sure about how committed I was.

I woke up at 9 today.  Here comes one of the difficult aspects of trying to do the sober thing...what to do on Saturday mornings?  I'll probably go to the gym here in a bit. I've been looking in Metromix for things to do...it's pretty shitty out, so that kind of puts the thumbs down on some things, but maybe today should be a museum day.  Not having work to do is another complicating aspect....before I would just work...but now...I actually need to find shit to do...or play FFXII all day (which I have done in the past, but am not really all about).

I know I need to work on the not isolating thing...but at this point I really just want to get through the weekend and see what happens.

Currently Ravel: Daphnis et Chloé Suites: Ma mere l'oye; Bolero [Hybrid SACD] see related

Oh and I've also become either more narcissitic or truly the creator of my own universe (maybe in a really cool quantum reality sort of way...but probably not)

I've had alot of "think it and it happens" moments over the past few months....like alot (n.b. the post about the 300 kids running down my street when I was wishing I could have more people to hang out with). 

Maybe it's like deja vu.
Maybe I have serious brain damage to my memory center.

In any case...here's for thinking about good things happening rather than bad

Currently Grey's Anatomy: The Complete Fourth Season By Ellen Pompeo, Patrick Dempsey, Sandra Oh, Katherine Heigl, Justin Chambers see related

Day 2

Day 2 has been better than Day 1, so that's a plus.

It was fanfucktingtastic outside today so I decided to skip the gym and ride my bike by the lake instead.  Looking at the forecast this was probably the nicest day it's going to be for quite awhile.

I have an appointment with GeneralSugeron to talk about what's going to happen to my gallbladder.  This is scheduled for next week, but I think I'm going to have to push it back a few days due to work stuff. 

Work is frustrating in a few ways right now...primarily that when things have been identified as needing corrected, it's like a huge wall goes up trying to get something corrected.  If we do it now on these studies, it will be easier than if we wait until subjects have entered data...but there's this big pushback.  Maybe there's a reason for it.  Or maybe I just find it irritating that 1) I didn't get a chance to check these things since I started so recently and 2) the right people apparently did not review these things until after things were pushed into production.

I know that I've had alot of highly irrational thoughts lately, especially in terms of people interactions/relationshippy stuff...but I also figured that maybe it's ok if I just let them exist and not worry about them.  Everyone else I know seems to be highly irrational at times, so why can't I?  It's just wierd knowing I'm being irrational...like I'm rational about  being irrational (or something)?

Now...what for dinner?

Currently The Fray By The Fray see related

I will get my shit together
I will get my shit together
I will get my shit together

I'm sure there is something interesting about how my life keeps falling apart in some aspects while improving in others.  Since my last post in July the following has happened:

• Quit Kendle and started working on oncology studies at Astellas pharma
• had numerous bouts of BCD
• quit drinking for 45 days, gave some great advice to Scott the last time i saw him in KC and then totally lost my shit and haven't been able to stay sober for more than a few days since then
• been diagnosed with gall stones and may have to have my gall bladder out
• quit facebook (again)
• been dating a great guy since the beginning of September (great guy, but probably a really bad fit for me right now, or maybe not)
• started watching Grey's Anatomy in syndication on Lifetime (yup)
• thought very frequently about cashing in my 401k and just leaving

I know that I've been very self destructive lately.  I think alot of that comes from not being able to be decisive/commit (on some levels, anyway).  If I don't like my job I'll just get drunk to the point where someone else fires me or something...except that hasn't happened yet and to get to the point where that would happen would not be very compatible with life I think.

I think I do really want to call today a new day 1.
The gym helped quite a bit today, I think.

I need someone to take care of; I need something to feel important and someone to need me.  Feeling useless and forgettable is about the worst feeling period.

Today was better than yesterday, which was better than the day before that.  I can live with that for now.